We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
