I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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