If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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