I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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