tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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