Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
