woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
