Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
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Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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