Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
