i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
