Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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