Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
