There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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