I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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