Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
