3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
