I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i love accidental penises.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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