see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
