Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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