he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I will pee on everything he values.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
