You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
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no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
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6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
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