omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
