It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
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Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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