Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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