I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
well I can't set my house on fire every night
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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