I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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