I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
