think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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