Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
