I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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