In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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