in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
