okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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