got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
