Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
