Umm I'm too high to move.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
