On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
