just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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