We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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