Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
