i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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