Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
