all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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