guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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