Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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