Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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