Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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