Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
