I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
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We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
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Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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