How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
