Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
