Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
