Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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