I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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