I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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