I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
