I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
